THE MEMORIAL is a feature length screenplay. Set in the immediate aftermath of the First World War (against a background of mutinies and the influenza pandemic), it is a love story, which explores class, religious prejudice and anti-war issues through the eyes of Captain Edward Standish.
Much of the action takes place at Edward’s country seat, an east Midlands village dominated by a colliery, as well as in London where Edward falls in love with an artist, Clara Zeligman. Edward has to choose between Clara and and his fiancée, the Honourable Charlotte Antrobus.
The story also takes us to Flanders where Edward faced the toughest choice of his military career – an event which haunts him throughout the story.
#1 by Arthur Kemelman - August 29th, 2009 at 20:07
In regard to THE MEMORIAL – http://www.davidselzer.com/category/screenplays/ – I found myself extremely interested in the relationship between Clara Zeligman and Edward Standish and I thought the emerging relationship between them was done well.
What bothered me, however, is that in general there was a lack of dramatic tension throughout the script. You have the material for the drama but you never seem to use it.
For example, take Clara. You made her Jewish and there is a degree of anti-Semitism that appears but it’s all too understated. There’s no real dramatic conflict here and yet we know the potential at this time was undoubtedly there. The question that I asked myself at the end was “Why did he even bother making her Jewish? He could have used one sort of differentness as another.”
Or take the conflict with the miners. Edward has mild conversation with one of the miners, the local union leader, about gas in the mines. There’s an explosion. The union guy is killed and Standish gives in, with barely a struggle to union claims. One of the gentry is pissed off but that’s about it. Too understated.
Even the difficulties with the widow, Mrs. Wilkin, whose son was shot, by the firing squad Edward was in charge of and to hom he gave the coup de grace, are too easily solved. She cries, Edward feels guilty. He finances the statue. She cries but this time she’s grateful.
The Irish Canadian Colonel McGehan and the mutiny introduce a bit of tension and we have the colonel killing his own man, similar in nature to the killing in France of Mrs. Wilkin’s son – a man is killed by his own people. But even that’s glossed over too easily.
In short, virtually everybody gets what they want at the end of the story: Clara and Standish marry, Mrs. Wilkin’s son gets memorialized, and even jilted Charlotte gets a baronet. Yeah the gentry are a bit pissed off at this and that but….
To put the matter briefly, when the script ended I thought you had a good first act but where the hell were acts 1 and 2!?
#2 by David - September 15th, 2009 at 11:45
THE MEMORIAL – http://www.davidselzer.com/category/screenplays/. Not unsurprisingly, Arthur, I disagree with what you have to say though some of it did make me chuckle – for example, ‘even jilted Charlotte, Edward’s ex-fiancée, gets a baronet’ – and reminded me of a summary of ‘Hamlet’ I once came across: ‘a story of a fat lad who can’t make up his mind…’
I think you have missed some clues: visual ones, like the dead birds hanging from the wire in the opening scene or the airship in the closing one; or historical ones, like the influenza epidemic or the mutinies.
I would say this wouldn’t I but it’s all in the filming – like ‘The Third Man’.
A screenplay tells us what we will see and what we will hear but not how. The script is the first and crucial step in the making of the movie – but the direction, acting, cinematography, location management, set design, set build, editing and-so-forth make the words manifest.
The story, set in the aftermath of World War I, the so-called ‘Great War’, the war that people at the time claimed to believe would end all wars, is about one man’s redemption through love and the choices he has to make to fulfil that love. Captain Edward Standish is haunted by the consequence of his responsibilities – as a landowner, an industrialist, an army officer – and particularly by that act of grotesque violence he has had to commit during the war
THE MEMORIAL is the only screen play I’ve written which, so far, has come at all close to being made. An independent LA producer, Peter Marshall, who had worked for Lionsgate Studios, was so impressed with it that he had started to identify possible backers – ‘beautiful and brooding’ was his description and he also pointed out that it was the first screenplay to deal with the mutinies, which occurred amongst the troops on both sides following the Armistice.
He had read the second draft in late autumn 2002. ‘Gosford Park’, a piece set in an English country house in the 20s – had done exceptionally well that year at the box office and the Oscars and producers were actually advertising for British scripts. Unfortunately, preparations for the Iraq war began early 2003 and, since the piece could be construed as anti-war, Hollywood’s interest waned.
#3 by Ian Craine - March 24th, 2010 at 09:42
1 PRAISE INDEED
A) Overall I thought it was VERY good. I certainly enjoyed reading it.
B) There’s a real feeling of thematic unity through the piece and the spine of the story- the Memorial, Edward Standish and his two ladies, Charlotte Antrobus and Clara Seligman- is solid, dramatic, moving stuff. There are good sub-plots involving the mine and the mutineers and Edward’s backstory involving poor Wilkins gives the story real body.
C) There were some excellent characters. I thought Mrs Antrobus and McGegan were well drawn in their supporting roles.
D) There were some very moving scenes too. Clara’s charcoal drawing was lovely.
E) The fight with the mutineers made for an exciting climax.
2 THOUGHTS, SUGGESTIONS AND ASSORTED FLIMFLAM
These are just thoughts and suggestions that you may or may not agree with.
A) Protagonist and Spine
Edward certainly has a lot of painful baggage to carry with him from the War. But do the other main characters here give him too easy a time? Someone once wrote that you create a protagonist, get him stuck up a tree, and then throw rocks at him. There was plenty of good conflict between various minor characters but maybe we needed more conflict between the principals.
I see the various vicissitudes of fortune visited upon him as he tries to do his various duties as the rocks – also his genuine moral dilemma re Charlotte and Clara. [David]
The essential characters are Edward and his two ladies, Charlotte and Clara (but are their names a bit too similar?) Both are really nice to him for most of the time. You might retort by saying that women were like that to men back then (in public at least) and that they understood what he had been through. But they couldn’t really at that stage could they?
Charlotte’s class, her position as his fiancée and her age would make her, however unwillingly, deferential.
Clara, before she meets Edward, judging from the drawing exhibited, would seem to have a good knowledge and understanding of what the trenches were like, and thus, by extension, what Edward might have been thru. His ‘nightmare’ after they’ve first met would confirm her impressions. [David]
He’s very keen to bring them together isn’t he? I don’t know whether it was your intention, but I found him a bit cavalier, brutal even, in the way he dealt with Charlotte. It occurred to me that the way her father broke off the engagement for her, which did Edward a massive favour, made it unnecessary for him then to be so brutally honest with Charlotte. He could have spared her feelings.
Yes, all intentional on my part but not on his. He’s totally, unconsciously self-absorbed – that includes his many acts of genuine altruism. And that self-absorption is one reason why he’s in every scene and most shots. [David]
There’s never any real conflict between Edward and Clara. Perhaps there should be some distance between them at some point- maybe after the disastrous unveiling of the Memorial.
Interesting. Their never being in conflict seems quite natural. Their cultural differences require accommodation from the outset. Each, for that reason, is the other’s haven. Maybe that’s too cerebral for a linear art. [David]
Maybe too Charlotte should have put up more of a fight, and start drawing him back to her for a while. Part of me did want Charlotte to lay into Edward not just to refer to herself submissively as “a bit of a goose”.
See above. [David]
B) Dialogue
The dialogue is often excellent; Clara’s initial comments on the Wilkins situation for instance sound just right.
Could the dialogue perhaps sometimes be a little more coded? People tend to be very direct with each other and say what they mean. This drives the plot forward and helps with exposition but can detract from character which is more important than either.
Character is intended to come thru the stories they share. [David]
People launch into backstories rather quickly. I felt that Edward and Clara could perhaps have teased more information out of each other. I accept that maybe he doesn’t have the guile and she prides herself on being a right-on feminist but sometimes I felt I was being told a story rather than listening to a conversation.
They’re from such different backgrounds. Art, their sense of justice, sex and love bring them together. I wanted to create an impression that they feel they’re short of time – they must tell each other everything as quickly as possible to secure their relationship. Both feel this perhaps for different reasons – Clara, her age, Edward, his sanity.[David]
C) Subplots
I thought the soldiers mutiny made an exciting climax but I had been expecting more drama in connection with the miners. Armstrong looked set to be a fairly major player but then got klled and his story got replaced in a way with Robinson’s, a less interesting character whom we never got to know.
Are there perhaps one or two too many subplots? As I say the mutineers did rather usurp the miners. There’s also Mrs Wilkins who’s crucial. So the influenza (I know it was happening but this is drama not history) may be one problem too many. I can see its force almost as a symbol but there is a lot going on already.
Then there are sporadic references to the Fenian question which never breaks into the story and could be disposed of. Cosgrove seems to come from the Six Counties and McGegan’s roots were in Donegal. I wondered whether this was going to be of significance but nothing really took off.
Then there are the Bolsheviks but they needed Armstrong rather than Robinson to be fighting in the later stages of the script.
And I had to remind myself who Bruno was when he’s referred to again at the end. Is he strictly necessary?
I’ve often pondered on this. I began work on the script in September 2001. It’s based partly on a true story and I’ve been immersed in and fascinated by that period of history since the 60s – not least those bits that are less illuminated, like the flu pandemic and the mutinies.
I think whether or not the sub-plots work – giving texture to the piece, acting as symbols as well as moving the plot along – would depend on the direction. I’ve deliberately tried to make the piece move as quickly as possible in plot terms by, for example, ‘going into scenes late and coming out early’ – a piece of advice from the LA producer interested in the script in 2002/2003 – but, at the same time, slowing the story thru some of the dialogue. A good director would make the most of that tension and also of the right sort of camera work, making the most of landscape and interiors (and music) – like Renoir. [David]
3) FORMATTING AND SCRIPT LAYOUT
Again I think someone said there were only three rules for formatting- Courier 12, Courier 12 and Courier 12. The rest is optional.
My experience tells me that readers want directions cut to a minimum. All I ever use is beat where I want to signify a pause in a character’s speech and a bare minimum of others. I only put a direction in if its really not obvious a character’s addressing a remark to one particular person, or if they are saying something so fork-tongued that the meaning is in real danger of being misconstrued.
I’ve never come across Off His/Her Reaction before and would be tempted to dispense with it.
Sometimes I felt your black stuff needed breaking up into paragraphs; I think its makes it easier to digest.
All good points, though you’re the first to make them – and that’s not meant to be a put down. Practice seems to vary hugely – except for Courier 12 and the margins, top and bottom. All the directions etc. I use I’ve learned from scripts I like – going back to ‘The Third Man’. I’ll reflect on this. [David]
4) MARKETS
Where to go with it? You tried to launch this in Hollywood, the obvious target in the English speaking world. The British Film Industry is a pretty poor thing but this is the sort of film it should be taking an interest in.
I began writing screenplays as a result of a chance meeting in New York a week or so before 9/11. We were staying with a friend in her apartment in Queens. Both her daughters were then in the movie business and one, Annabel Honor, who has ambitions to be a producer, joined us for the holiday weekend at the end of August. While chatting with her mother about her career, Annabel mentioned that she needed to find a writer who, like herself, was just starting out in the business but who had talent and ‘life experience’. Her mother mentioned me!
The deal was I would write and Annabel would mentor/tutor and produce. I learned a great deal from her. She sent ‘The Memorial’ in early autumn to an independent LA producer, Peter Marshall, who had been with Lionsgate. He liked it enough – ‘beautiful and brooding’ – to start talking with some money men. It was the year of ‘Gosford Park’. Then the US became increasingly bellicose and the money men lost interest. [David]
You could try for Lottery Funding from The Film Council to develop it. I know its already written but if you did get an award that would be a good signal that there was a sporting chance of making progress.
I applied, with some misgivings, to the Film Council for a development grant for the second script, ‘Loyalties’ – which I didn’t get. (It was the year the Council funded ‘Sex Lives of the Potato Men’). I found I was doing the very thing I was so glad to have left behind on retiring from Cheshire County Council, namely, applying for grants. )
And what about Euroscript? With its World War 1 themes and sequences in Belgium there is no reason why this should not be a candidate for some European sponsorship.
Will research. Thanks. [David]
Another route might be to target some specific actor you might have in mind for one of the major roles, or a director you’d like to involve.
I began working with a PR consultant, Emma Boden-Lee, who is passionate about the arts and very knowledgeable about cinema – also, very well connected. For example, she sits on the same charity Board as Fernando Mereilles. Thru him we got Rachel Weisz’s contact details. I had always thought of her for the part of Clara. We sent a query email. No response. [David]
Do enter it in competitions. I got a placing at Cheltenham with my main British based script which earned me a free and most helpful reading.
Bluecat is the first I’ve tried. I will try Cheltenham and others. [David]
If all that failed I’d then think about television. It could be made to work on the small screen and you could run it past the BBC and Channel 4.
Agreed. [David]
5 FINAL WORDS
It’s good so good luck with it. Keep me posted.
I hope I don’t appear to be a whinging pom in any of the above. The chance meeting was, from my point of view, a piece of good fortune. I’ve acquired a new set of skills in an art form with which I’ve always been totally engaged – and completed four good, original movie scripts. [David]